Sentencing

Monday 7^th January 2013

Sentencing.

So begins the final chapter of the court process. It was a Monday morning and everyone was at work. People couldn’t get time off so I asked my Dad if he would come along with me. I wanted to know what sentence this bastard was getting.

It was at Warwickshire Crown Court. Now this building is huge in comparison to Northampton CC. We had to go through the usual security checks and then we were in. There were many screens stating the different cases being held on which floor. This place was overpowering. We took a lift to get to the right court room. Dad and I settle into the court room, in the front seats near to the box where he would stand but so that he couldn’t see us. Sat next to us were a woman and a younger female. I have since learnt this was McDade’s mother and ‘girlfriend of the moment’, how this girl could stand by him when he was stood in the dock with these offences being presented I will never understand.

His mum however, would not look at us; she had probably guessed who we were. I understood that she must have felt torn, embarrassed by being there and having to listen to the awful details of the rape but also wanting to be there to see her son. Her pain on seeing the victim’s mum must have been hard too, I understand that.

The Judge arrived and McDade is called into the box. This is the part my Dad wasn’t expecting, they re-tell the whole case from start to finish so that all the details are heard in court. It’s not the most pleasant of times. To have to sit and listen to what my child had been through once again was just plain awful. I cannot begin to express the emotions you have in court. Sickness is probably the top one. The guilt re-emerges, the pain she had gone through, the stress, the constant blackmail, the horror.

I do nothing but cry, my Dad squeezes my hand and hugs me. It must be just as awful for him to listen to this but he stays strong and just keeps checking I am okay and ensures me it will all be over soon. For those that know my Dad, he doesn’t express emotion very easily so to have him constantly hold my hand and give me those little squeezes gave me strength I never knew I had.

McDade’s mother puts her head down. The girlfriend keeps trying to catch eye contact with us. She is looking to see McDade, peering over the edge of the seating area. To be honest I don’t think she had a clue as to the severity of the situation and that there was an actual victim involved in this, not just some scum bag she was calling her boyfriend.

So, the process is finished and the Judge does her summing up. She takes into consideration his early Guilty plea (WTF, he skipped court and then was arrested and placed back before her so then he pleaded, but yes he did plea….) she also considers his mitigating factors (mental health, father committed suicide at an early age etc) and then she slam dunks with an eight year sentence! Boom!

Now this is the best result we could have asked for, I know he only serves 4 but its 4 years my daughter does not have to keep looking over her shoulder. We leave the court with mixed emotions. I still hold that concern for his mother and what she must be feeling. This must be my moral philosophy. I am empathetic, and my standards are probably different to others.

I get to Dads car and I ring Lauren. Its good news I tell her, but she like me, found it difficult to take in. I comfort her and reassure her and then tell her I will be home as fast as I can. I then call Mum, sisters, family, friends: it is all a whirlwind of emotion.

We expect an excerpt in the local press; he actually got a very small mention. I wanted his face plastered all over the news for people to see who had done this to my child and to give him a taste of humiliation. This was never to be despite Northants Police release of a photograph and article. A short while after this, I retweet the link. A member of the press comes around and asks me for an interview, as a family we agree, so long as Lauren’s name is withheld. This was our chance at getting his face into the public arena. Turns out the Nationals papers weren’t interested, we were just another case, another blow, another rape.

So we start the New Year with a positive and we try to move on. Only McDade doesn’t allow us this. He appeals his sentencing. This means a trek to The High Court in London a day before we are due to fly out for our summer holiday. This time my mum and my hubby come with me.

Now I know I said that Warwickshire was huge but this court is off the scale. There is plenty of history around the building so we set off exploring whilst we wait our turn. My mum spots a sign, she says ‘Ooh Paul look there is a beer garden’, so we all head off looking to grab a beer to steady our nerves… . Well for those who have been it is actually called The Bear Garden. (This neither contains a garden or – you will be relieved to hear – any bears either! It is in fact a very elegant galleried Gothic room that was called the ‘Bear Garden’ supposedly by Queen Victoria who said that the bickering barristers sounded like a bear pit or garden where the hapless bears were goaded to fight dogs.)

You can imagine the fits of laughter that followed this little treasure hunt!! As if there would be a beer garden in the middle of the High Courts!! 

So we trek back down to our little room still chucking away and then we bump into a barrister. I instantly recognise him, I approach him and tell him I am so glad he is here and I didn’t think he would be attending and ask what he thinks the outcome will be……. BUT.

Alas it isn’t our barrister but McDade’s, I burn up, apologise and scuttle away… And so begins another round of laughter in our little waiting room!

So, we are called through. A number of students file in and appear all excited at the prospect of listening to a real life case. I don’t think they know we are family of the victim. 

Mcdade is called into the box again. His head low and there is no support from his family this time. 

Three high court judges sit and are presented with the defendants case by his barrister. I have to say this defence barrister clearly can’t be bothered, he goes through the motions with no real convinction behind him. It’s like he doesn’t give a hoot! 

The high court judge sums the whole case up again, another painful reminder of what our child went through. I sit staring intently at the judge, hands clenched as in prayer, waiting for the outcome. And he throws the case out with a flick of his pen. I mouth Thank You to him, the hubby gives him a thumbs up. The judge returns our gesture with a quick salute and a nod, I’m in awe of this man! He not only acknowledges us but actually salutes us! 

So off we go again, we pop to a pub over the road and have a real beer in a real beer garden with no bears in site!  Even my mum (who never drinks) raises her beer glass and we all relax once again! 

But this is only the end until his release in October 2016. 

The Court Process – Round 3

 

• THE TRIAL

  Firstly I will apologise for the use of any bad language that springs up, I have been restrained so far.

  And so begins the most harrowing few days of my entire life. My sister Carolyn (and best friend in the world) has arrived to support me through this, thank god for small mercies. My husband has also decided to attend. The Sunday evening we are all a bunch of nervous wrecks. Lauren had been given her interview to listen to in case she needs to be refreshed on what happened, needless to say that just gathered dust in a bottom drawer somewhere; who on earth would forget? We have a nice roast dinner and sink a few red wines and try and get some sleep.

  Monday morning we all trundle off into the court. On this occasion as we have the victim with us, we are allowed to enter through a back entrance of the court and we are taken through security and then straight into the witness waiting room. This is a fairly pleasant room (well as it can be) with a TV that that can’t get a signal and a DVD player with no DVD’s. There are some board games and books dotted about so we decide to play a game. It lasts about 2 minutes and we stop. No one wants to play. Hubby decides he is off to get some DVD’s from home; this is torture so anything that will pass the time has to help.

  In the meantime our barrister arrives and provides Lauren with some documents to read through. These are transcripts of all the text messages prior to the rape. Lauren doesn’t want to read them and so my sister takes them to read. Caz goes very quiet and once she has finished I ask Lauren if I can read them. I presumed, wrongly, that as Caz was so quiet they could not be that bad. I only got halfway down the first page when I could not read anymore.

  I went to the loo and threw up, I was distraught, I clung to Caz like I was a baby but I didn’t want Lauren to see me like this. The texts were threatening, vile, aggressive and also blackmailing her with vicious threats. This man had every idea what he was doing and it was clear there was nothing wrong with his mental health other than he was a sick bastard.

  I pull myself together so Lauren doesn’t see what state I am in, after all I am there to support her and make her feel strong. Hubby arrives back with a pile of DVD’s and it turns out no one wants to watch anything anyway. Hubby whispers to me that McDade is nowhere to be seen in the Court, he had been snooping about. I remain positive and tell him he must be in with his brief, discussing what is likely to happen, maybe gone out for a fag or in the loo. No hubby says he had waited a long time up there as he wanted to make sure he was here. So a feeling of dread kicks in, has he failed to appear?
• Around 1230, Rhonda and the barrister walk in. Rhonda is just looking at me. I immediately think, ‘Yes he’s pleaded guilty!’, well one can live in hope I guess. But no, Hubby had been right, McDade is a no show. I cannot tell you how harrowing this feeling is. Lauren breaks down, Hubby gets angry and I just try to hold it all together for everyone else. Deep down I am thinking well that’s another few months to wait for an arrest, remand and then trial date to be reset. I am a cop; I know how difficult it is to locate someone who is on the run from Crown Court, very hard, a slim chance. Rhonda gives me a hug; she reassures me she will

  find him tonight. She gives me her number so she can let me know as soon as he is in custody. I loved her optimism but I was mentally preparing for another long wait for the justice for my child.

  So we leave the court and we all go to the pub, it’s the British answer to everything along with a cup of tea right? We have lunch and a few drinks and head home (for me this means more drinks). At this point Hubby tells me he had popped some diazepam, 4 no less and along with the alcohol he is feeling drowsy. At 6pm that’s him for the night, sound asleep snoring like a baby. I sort Lauren out, reassure it will all be over soon, we stay up late and eventually Lozza falls asleep. Caz and I sleep on the sofa bed together with the phone next to us waiting for any news. Caz is adamant they will find him and we will all go back to court tomorrow, I am convinced of the other alternative. Caz is my rock, she gives me strength I don’t know I have, I cry and hug her and scream and shout and we talk until the early hours.

  I awoke around 6am and if I’m honest I forget to check my phone and I just wander around and then stick the kettle on. I come back in and read ‘1 New Message’. My heart stops so I wake Caz up and we read it together. He is only GOD DAMN IN CUSTODY!!!!!! So I run through the house shouting it like a child when Father Christmas has been ‘They got him, they got him!’ and there is jubilation in the Bennett household once more! Oops, we forgot there is now the reality of Lauren giving evidence and we all sink back down. Shit. This is the day.

  So off we trundle again to the courts and back to room with no DVD’s. Another long wait commences as we await our turn for the court room, at least we are safe in the knowledge that he is in custody and downstairs in the cells. They tell us we can go home, that this is just process, he will plead to the charges and then they will ask for pre-sentencing reports and then a date will be set for sentencing. Hell no, we are not leaving now even Lauren says she is staying and wants to see him plea. I am so proud of the strength my daughter has and I give her a massive hug and we have a little jig about jumping in glee.

  So off we all go to sit in the court in the public gallery whilst he stands in the box behind glass. Lauren clings to my hand like she is trying to kill me, it’s hard not to shout OUCH. The charges are read out one by one, Guilty, Guilty, Guilty and Guilty. Yes! A little punch in the air and a big cheer erupts from the public gallery.
• And the date is set for Warwick Crown Court, Monday 7th January 2013 with the same lady judge for sentencing and off he pops to Prison. And off we pop for a bottle of champagne and lunch with all of my family!!

 

The Court Process – Round 2

And so the process continues. The second appearance for McDade at Northampton Crown Court was set. I cannot remember the exact date of his appearance but it’s around March 2012 and I am pretty sure I went on my own. This was mainly due to the fact that people can’t get the time off to sit in a Crown Court all day but also I hadn’t talked to many people about what was happening at this time so not a lot of people knew.
Crown Court is a whole day out…. You see it goes like this, they ask everyone to arrive for their appearance at 0930hrs, and everyone arrives. That includes witnesses and offenders, so we all sit around twiddling our thumbs until the courts start, normally around 1100hrs. Then they decide a running order and there is no time scale on each hearing before the judge. So it becomes pot luck as to whether you will be in before lunch (anytime between 1300 and 1400) and if not you are there until the end of the day, 1700hrs! Oh what a pleasant day out, I should have brought a picnic.

So, I arrive at 0930, well equipped with coffee, my kindle (which I cannot concentrate on) and a load of change to top up the car park charges. I am pretty sure on this occasion we get in fairly early. There is a reason for this which I hear presented to the court. McDade has not shown up. His defence claim his girlfriend is pregnant and he is at a maternity appointment and as the court was just discussing the setting of a date for trial he didn’t see the need to be present. And guess what? It’s adjourned.

So I return again in about a months’ time and again McDade doesn’t show up (you see a pattern emerging here?), this time as the girlfriend has just given birth…. So a date is discussed for trial. They discuss my child like she is an object. The Judge states he would like Lauren to complete her GCSE’s before having to endure the trial so a date is set for September 2012. Oh how nice and considerate, thank you. I get why they consider this, but they have no idea what it is like to be on the other side. The long wait of having to go to trial and for my child to have to get in the stand and be cross examined is immense.

The next contact I have from the Witness Liaison Officer is to inform me the trial date has been pushed back until November 2012. This is because the courts have still not received medical reports to be able to decide if McDade is fit for trial or not. The defence claim they have also not received full transcripts of any communications prior to the rape. What you need to be fully aware of is that this is normal. The defence will drag a case out as long as possible in the hope that the case is eventually discontinued. Well that’s my personal opinion anyway.

Not on Rhonda’s watch, she is on the case! So all the documents are produced and ready to rock and roll by Monday 19th November 2012.

So begins the longest wait in the world for our little family. We have numerous appointments to contend with in the meantime. Rhonda re-visits and takes a Victim Impact Statement. Luckily I had written down exactly what Lauren had been through immediately after the Rape so this is helpful. Lauren continues her weekly visits to Kay (superwoman) at Serenity (and gets stronger and stronger and mentally prepared for giving evidence), I arrange a visit around the courts for Lauren to see the inside of the court room, off we pop on a little holiday so we can all have a break away without thinking about the case and then boom. I have a massive breakdown.

It starts with panic attacks. I was sat watching a movie with the family, I have a feeling it was Finding Nemo, and I have a full blown panic attack. I luckily knew what to do and put my hands over my mouth to slow my breathing down before I pass out. The kids are mortified and Paul is running around like a headless chicken, quite an amusing scenario looking back. The following day I decide to go for a walk, clear my head. 4 hours later I am still walking. If I stop, a panic attack starts. I pop into see mum and dad on my travels and can’t even manage to finish a cup of tea and I HAVE to start walking again. I am covered in sweat and look like a pile of poo. I can’t speak to anyone as I am walking; I have become Forest bloody Gump, only I don’t grow a beard.

Alas a visit to the Doctor is necessary… Diazepam is prescribed along with Citalopram and a few weeks off work. Wonderful, I now have the stigma of being ‘Mad’. Slowly they begin to calm me down (after I have walked my way around the globe) and life gradually returns to being better. I’d say normal but I have never been that! I also start my own sessions with Kay and I become stronger again and ready for the fight at trial. Oh that and sinking a bottle of wine each night of course.

So here we go, from arrest in June 2011 until the trial in November 2012. 18 months and the trial date has finally arrived…….. 

TBC

 

 

The Court Process – Round 1

And so begins the hardest chapter to write yet. Northampton Magistrates followed by Northampton Crown Court. I am going to split this into two, maybe three parts as there is a lot of information to take in.

McDade was arrested on 8th June 2011, interviewed on 9th June 2011 and charged on Monday 28th November 2011. It took a whole year for the trial to take place and he eventually pleaded guilty on Wednesday 28th November 2012, 17 months after his arrest.

The OIC (Officer In Charge) of the investigation, Rhonda was a trainee detective at the time. I didn’t know Rhonda before and I was worried at first that she was not a qualified detective. I should never have doubted, you would never have known; she was tenacious, meticulous, solicitous and most importantly determined to bring him to justice. She also happened to be of great support through the most difficult time of my life although she probably has no idea about that. I cannot thank Rhonda enough for her help and support. Any questions I had were answered where possible and I am certain she went above and beyond but she is adamant she was ‘just doing her job’. She doesn’t accept praise very easily so she will likely moan at me for writing this bit (she works in the office next door to me so she will hunt me down)!

Police bail was for a number of reasons. Examination of phones, examination of computers, DNA swabs of various items of Lauren’s clothing including her bra, knickers and school uniform, DNA swabs from her mouth and tongue bar in case there was semen present and of course all of his clothing and his DNA samples. There were two interviews; the first was when he completely denied even meeting Lauren and the second after Lauren’s DNA was found inside his boxer shorts. Thank God (again) for DNA and the wonderful forensic labs. This was a most crucial piece of evidence.

The excuses he made up on the interview were incredulous. He claimed he was forced to do it by [a named person] as he was being threatened. This led to the arrest* of this male who did know McDade but was lucky enough to have a solid alibi and no further action was taken against him. Unfortunately this male took great offence in being blamed for a rape and I am led to believe McDade suffered an assault as a result…..

McDade then stated he was mentally ill because of his childhood as his father had committed suicide and that he was incapable of answering police questions due to his mental health… here starts a Psyche evaluation and the beginning of a mitigating factor for him to use if found Guilty. These [free if you ask for the Duty] Defence Solicitors are pretty good at their jobs aren’t they? Don’t you just love them.

Magistrates Court was his first appearance a couple of weeks after charge, this is standard practice to allow the process to be referred to crown. McDade entered a Not Guilty plea and this was the only occasion I never actually attended the court. I was there for every single other appearance, including when he appealed his sentence at the High Courts in London and I sat within yards of him on the first few occasions. My Husband could not deal with the court appearances, in all honesty, he was afraid of what he would do.

I will never forget the first Crown Court appearance. I took my two best friends, Ange and Lynsey, they are like chalk and cheese but they balance me out in their own quirky little ways. Northampton Crown Court is a fairly modern building built in the 1990’s. It is situated on Lady’s Lane and is a tall pale building with round glass windows along one side and big square windows above the entrance which is under a covered roof held up by pillars. As you enter the building there is a canteen off to the left and a security desk immediately in front of you. This is a very basic metal detector/bag check similar to what you endure at an airport. Off to the right is a reception desk and a number of screens displaying who is listed in which court.  Up the stairs (or the ramp if required) is a large open planned waiting area with hard wooden benches all along the length of the building. This is where offenders, lawyers, legal representatives and the family of victims congregate waiting to be called. I must point out there is a witness services office but as I was not the victim I was not privilege to the use of this room. There are however, legal rooms where offenders can consult with their Briefs.

So Ange, Lynsey and I sat outside Courtroom 1 and McDade was sat a few benches up from us with his lawyer and no one else, he was easily identifiable from his Facebook profile.

I can’t lie now, I did throw some profanities at him, not directly or by making a scene just talking loudly enough with my friends for him to hear me. Inwardly I felt sick and I was quivering from head to toe. I hadn’t eaten and I could only sip water, I was a nervous wreck. And you know what is worse, I actually felt sorry for him being on his own, I felt sorry for his Mother having to be told what her son had done, I felt sorry for his family for how they would portray him now and what they must be going through.

My Dad has always said I am the most sensitive child of his, maybe I am after all! But this was yet another blow as a parent. How could I feel sorry for him, why should I feel sorry for him? He has ruined my child’s life, I shouldn’t give a flying flick about him and I hated myself even more for it.

So I am sat there beating myself up in my head from every angle possible and what does McDade do next? He reports me to his Brief and then stays hidden away in a private room whilst I continue to sit in the public forum crying, breathing out of control and hating myself. His Brief then approaches me and through my teary reddened eyes I look at him and he makes it clear he knows I am a Police Officer and states he will report me to the Chief Constable for my unprofessional behaviour on Crown Court premises. So I ask his Brief ‘Do you have children?’ he tells me he has and I ask him how he would feel if he was sat in my position right now facing the offender who raped his child. I told him my Child meant more me to me than any career and to fill his boots and report me. Exhausted I then sit down again and I sob and sob until my tears dry up and I can no longer catch my breath.

We are called into court shortly after and McDade again enters a Not Guilty plea. His brief asks, predictably, for psychological reports to be completed due to his client’s mental capacity before the case can even be considered for trial. McDade is released on Court bail with conditions of where to live and what areas of Northampton he is forbidden to enter. No remand to prison. A rapist is technically free to walk the streets of Northampton until we meet again. What is worse is, he is fully aware of my home address (on the rear of our statements) and yet I am not allowed to know where he lives in order to protect him. I mean what the actual hell?

And this ladies and Gentlemen is the first stage of the stalling and the playing of the Court process expertly to avoid prison as long as possible.

 

*This male may have been voluntary interviewed I cannot recall correctly.

 

Burning questions…

Before I continue with my journey, I feel the need to answer a burning question some of you have been asking; ‘Why now?’. The reason I chose to write this almost 6 years later is so very simple. I couldn’t admit what had happened or talk about it openly and so very publicly until now.

This is not an easy Blog to write. It stirs up all the memories and feelings like I am re-living the nightmare all over again. But I have to be able to help another parent who may be going through this awful crime right now. I have to reach out and let them know they are not the worst parent in the world and that what they are experiencing and feeling is normal and not so very uncommon.

Lets be honest, when was the last time someone you know casually said ‘When my daughter was raped recently…..’. Have you ever heard anyone talking about being a survivor of Rape in the pub, at a meal, at a family party? No one wants to talk about Rape. Its like a dirty little secret you carry around on your shoulders.

Even at work I have been treated differently. I applied for a new role that meant I would potentially be dealing with sex offenders. My line manager at the time raised it with my new manager and suggested I was not appropriate for the role because of ‘What I had been through’. I was lucky that the new manager wasn’t short sighted and gave me the job anyway.

A lot of the reaction I have had so far is how sorry people feel for me and my family. Don’t be sorry, be proud, share away and encourage people to read this. You can support me with helping me get noticed.

I am so very proud of Lauren for allowing me to share her story, I am proud of my family for supporting me and I am proud of myself for writing this without constantly breaking down in tears as I do so!

Life is a roller coaster ride but but occasionally I wanted to step off it and throw myself to the ground! Other times I wanted to chuck certain people off it  instead!

People have also asked ‘How did you cope?’. Quite simply I didn’t. Its like a bereavement of someone you love so very much. You don’t want to deal with it but you have no other choice. You still need to buy food, clean the house, pay bills, go to work, take the kids to school etc, you just don’t want to. You feel like no one cares because the world hasn’t stopped around you.

And lastly I am writing this because it is therapeutic. I feel content that I may, just may, help one person get through this. That is my only goal. If I was rich I would set up a fantastic help line, free counselling service and a website but I’m a cop so I will always be so very poor!

 

 

The weeks that followed

Interview over, we all breathed a sigh of relief. My husband felt numb, Lauren felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

Lauren was so scared even in our own home, we had to double check doors and windows for her and constantly reassure her. Lauren couldn’t sleep on her own.

The officers told me that Lauren’s account was ‘very believable and that she was a good witness’. Wow, thanks. Make me feel like we are the bad people in all of this. But that’s what it comes down to, who would a jury believe more.

Lauren cried all day for weeks, she blamed herself. We went to the Vodaphone shop to get her another phone so she was never not able to contact us, even just doing this with both her parents at her side was too much. She broke down, clung to me, held my hand and continuously wanted eye contact and reassurance.

Friday 10th June 2011

Lauren had her GCSE maths exam. We were in two minds as to whether she should take it or not. She went into school but I dropped her off and took her to a room on her own where she took the exam. I collected her from the same room. Lauren thinks she has bombed out. She didn’t, she got an A!!! Boom, what a strong young lady!

That evening my best friend Lynsey stayed and was able to sleep in with Lauren and give my husband and I a chance to talk. We never did. We rowed and rowed. He was so angry with Lauren for not telling us, said she was easily led. I defended her to the hilt and started to hate him. But we pulled through. After a lot of tears and more cross words we decided if we were going to get through this we needed to stay strong, together.

The next few weeks were up and down. We all cried a lot, I drank a lot, we never slept, I blamed myself, Lauren blamed herself. My husband went into denial and hibernation. I was great at supporting Lauren, taking her to appointments, getting her tested for AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, dealing with bail dates, bail condition’s, police procedures. I gave her all the love in the world, said the text book things that had been drummed into my head by professionals;

‘You are not to blame, this is not your fault’

‘Talk to me when you are ready, any time of the day or night, come to me’

‘You don’t have to tell me details unless you want to’

‘We love you’

‘When you are ready to talk I will listen’

Here is a link to a parents guide of how to deal with it, lengthy but worth saving.

Click to access Rape-parentsguide.pdf

I became the brick in the wall that was holding the family together. My husband, children, parents, siblings, friends and more. 

I went back to work, Lauren went back to school. The school incidentally were fantastic, God bless Miss Cotterall and Mrs Timms.

Lauren slept a lot. Became withdrawn and quiet. She was moody and snappy. She had severe headaches and stress.  I put aside any feelings I was going through and concentrated on my baby girl and the rest of my family. I had to explain each step of the judicial process to them, the DNA, the computer analysis, the list goes on.

I forgot to look after myself. The brick was crumbling.

 

 

Support

Police

101

(if you are not in a safe situation or need help urgently, please dial 999)

 

Rape Crisis National Helpline

12 to 2pm and 7 to 9.30pm everyday: 0808 802 9999

www.rapecrisis.org.uk

Domestic Abuse National Helpline

Freephone 24hr: 0808 2000 247

www.womensaid.org.uk

 

PODS

01480 878409

A helpline for survivors of abuse who struggle with dissociative disorders

www.pods-online.org.uk

 

NHS Direct

0845 4647

www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk

 

Childline

0800 1111

Confidential free telephone advice and support service for children and young people

www.childline.org.uk

 

The Samaritans

08457 90 90 90

www.samaritans.org

 

Witness Service

Provides help and support for victim and other witnesses at court, Crown Court and all Magistrates’ Courts

01604 603978

www.victimsupport.org.uk

 

Victim Support

Provides general emotional support and help after a crime

Mon to Fri 8am to 8pm: 0300 303 1947

National support line including weekends 9am to 7pm: 0845 30 30 900

www.victimsupport.org.uk

 

Serenity

So here I go….

On 8^th June 2011 my life turned upside down. I was at home off duty. Lauren, my 15 year old daughter called me about 4.30pm in tears. Prior to this call she had asked me if she could go to her friends after school. I thought she had had a row with her friend. I told her to stop crying and just come home when I would talk to her then.

Lauren walked in the door and I KNEW it was serious. I can’t explain how or why, I just knew. I took her upstairs to my bedroom and sat her on the bed. She said she had wanted to talk to me for months but couldn’t. She then told me a male who wore a scarf around his head to hide his identity had forced her to give him oral sex. She had no idea she had been raped.

I went into police officer mode. Told her not to drink, wash, touch anything and to give me a description of him and I called the police. I was calm, collected and specific. Right up until I said the words out loud. My daughter has been RAPED.

I lost the ability to talk or concentrate. It is all a bit of a blur. Two officers turned up, I knew them both but to this day I can only remember one of their names; Gilly. Gilly dealt with Lauren and I was with the male officer in the kitchen. Let’s call him Simon.

I went through Laurens phone, obtained a phone number for this rapist, passed it to Simon along with various text messages I began to write down and within an hour thanks to the best police work ever (as far as I am concerned), he was in custody. I now know his name is Sean McDade. Hard to even put that name in black and white.

I called my husband at work but he couldn’t leave, he is a prison officer and was the only officer on the wing. Staffing, a major problem. I had to deal with this myself. Imagine telling your husband something like that over the phone. And then to not be allowed to leave because they were short staffed must have near on killed him.

The following day I took Lauren to Serenity and she was interviewed on tape. Again I knew both officers. Here I was introduced to the most supportive rock and wonderful lady I have ever come across, Kay.

Serenity is a safe haven, a central place of contact for victims of sexual offences.

The wait was awful, I just wanted to hold my baby girl and make it all better. I took Lauren home and I called my Mum. I NEEDED my mum. I asked her to come round. I said I needed to talk to her.

Mum walked in and saw Lauren and I sat on the sofa. Mum said ‘she’s not pregnant is she?’

This hurt. I have never confided in my mum about this; I love her with all my heart. She is a wonderful Mum and is always there for me. I know Mum didn’t mean to say this out loud, but who would even begin to think that my child had been raped.

People went on to say at least she wasn’t hurt, yes, it could have been far worse, she could have been raped vaginally and she could have been murdered. But this was bad enough for me to deal with it and I felt like shouting from the rooftops – IS THIS NOT BAD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!!

People’s reactions to what you are going through will stay with you forever.

Telling people is the hardest part. Supporting your child is the easiest. Looking after yourself as a parent is impossible

The start of the nightmare and your feelings

Welcome to my blog. Thank you for visiting my page. I wanted to do something to help parents of victims’ of sexual assault and this is the only thing I can think of.

Of course, there are organisations that will be able to counsel you, but you may not be ready for that yet.

My background goes like this. I am a serving police officer and my daughter was raped aged 15 years old. We had wonderful support for her and we were lucky that the offender went to prison. However, I googled the hell out of getting help as a parent of a raped child and could find nothing.

My emotions as yours will be right now ranged every day. Below I will tell you what you are likely to feel.

Anger – Not just with the offender but with my daughter, for not telling me that she was being blackmailed on line.

Guilt – It was my fault as I had given her too much freedom on the internet, I knew the dangers and thought I had covered it all with her. I blamed the times I’d had a drink and not noticed what she was doing. Thought I was a bad mum, the worse ever in fact.

Shame – I was embarrassed that this had happened to us, shamed for not protecting my child, shamed for not being a good police officer and noticing the signs.

Doubtful – was it my child’s fault? Had she led him on?

Strong – on the outside anyway. I took control of everyone’s emotions, my husbands, my children, my family, the school, the investigation. I never once took time for myself and this led to me becoming a crumbling mess.

Weak – I couldn’t cope full stop. I cried most nights. I drank to forget what was happening. I hardly slept.

Hurt – My families reactions. My mum thought I was going to tell her my daughter was pregnant. My dad didn’t talk at all about it.

People were wrapped up in their own problems. I could not believe anyone could have anything worse to deal with that what I was going through.

Alone – There was no one out there I could talk to. All the self-help material I was given was aimed at how to support my daughter, to let her talk when she was ready, to tell her we believed her, to tell her she was strong…. That bit was easy, I just couldn’t support myself and had no- where to turn.

All of these feelings are normal. YOU are normal. This can happen to anyone and you are not alone. I may be your only point of sanity right now but I will do my best to help you through.

Over the next few weeks I will share with you my journey, it still continues today. I have added a support page with some sites for you to access that you can get support and counselling from. If you need to find someone local, please contact me and I will help you.

The names of all the people involved in my journey are real, I make no apologies for naming you, you have no idea how important you were to me at the time and still are!